One year ago today, my father had minor surgery-- followed by a 2-week stay in rehab for physical therapy. At the time, Siobhan and I both thought the hospital staff seemed a little strange--
But then again, compared to our family--maybe not...
In spite of the unconventional staff, Dad's surgery went off without a hitch. But a few days later, we ran into a small snag... The hospital released Dad a day early, and the rehab center had nowhere to put him on their physical therapy floor--at least, not until the following day. The nice admin folks kindly offered to give him a temporary room elsewhere--in the wing for mental patients...
YIKES. Needless to say, Siobhan and I both were a little freaked out-- my father is probably the only person in our family that DOESN'T belong in a mental ward. But it was the only bed available, and it was only for one night...so we finally gave in. I mean, how bad could it be?!
We soon were to find out...
Our little adventure began with the ambulance ride from hell. The smiling EMTs cheerfully tossed my father into the back of a transport ambulance, slammed the doors shut, and burnt rubber out of the parking lot. Siobhan and I jumped into her car, and took off after them...Thirty miles of twisting winding roads lay between the hospital and the rehab center, and Siobhan stuck to that ambulance
like the proverbial white-on-rice...
Finally we all came to a screeching halt. The still-smiling EMT hustled Dad out of the ambulance and into a waiting wheelchair. He turned him over to a grim-looking woman standing by an even grimmer-looking building, and with tires squealing, he left...
Siobhan and I followed the wheelchair as Nurse Ratchett rolled Dad into the old building, down corridors and up halls, in and out of elevators until finally...through a double doorway. The heavy industrial doors locked ominously behind us as we entered the mental patients' wing. (Gulp.)
We walked past a deserted nurses' station on the left, and a small waiting area on the right, where a young woman sat quietly reading in an easy chair...Dad's room was the next door. Surprisingly, his room looked normal enough--no padding or anything. Siobhan and I stayed with Dad until visiting hours ended, then we took our leave to go. We quietly walked back up the hallway, past the still-deserted nurses' station, past the lady still reading in her chair, and came to a stop in front of the still-locked double doors. I looked helplessly at Siobhan--not a nurse in sight.
Suddenly the woman with the book spoke up. "You don't need a nurse to open that door--just wave your hand in front of it, and it'll open. Here, like THIS!" and she waved her hand in a Star Trek kind of motion.
I hesitated for a moment as Siobhan chuckled softly by my side... Book Lady spoke louder "Go ahead and wave your hand--like I told you!!" Siobhan chuckled louder, and with a big sigh, I did my best Star Trek wave--and...Nothing Happened. Nada. Zilch. Siobhan collapsed on the floor, helpless with laughter. Book Lady yelled "Do It Again!!" I gritted my teeth and waved again...still Nothing. Siobhan's laughter was fast approaching Hysteria. Reader Lady screamed "Again!!" In desperation I waved one last time...
This time something DID happen...An irate little nurse with a Jamaican accent walked briskly up behind me, and with hands on hips, she said "And what are you doing to my door?! You can't open it like that--you have to have a key!!!" With what little pride I could muster, I quietly replied "That's not what that lady over there said." The nurse rolled her eyes and looked at me with scorn. As she unlocked the doors, she said "She's a patient in a mental institution, and you're going to believe HER?!"
Siobhan and I both were laughing now, and we couldn't get out of there fast enough. Just as we got to the elevator, Siobhan jumped in front of me and said "Wait, Mum. Let me get that for you!" And of course she had to do the Star Trek wave in front of the elevator door. And the exit door. And the car door. And all the way home.
Beam me up, Scottie...
*********************************************************************
 |
Live Long And Prosper.     *** |
No comments:
Post a Comment