Beam Me Up, Scottie...

                        
One year ago today,  my father had minor surgery-- followed by a 2-week stay in rehab for physical therapy.  At the time, Siobhan and I both thought the hospital staff seemed a little strange--





  But then again, compared to our family--maybe not...





In spite of the unconventional staff, Dad's surgery went off without a hitch.  But a few days later, we ran into a small snag... The hospital released Dad a day early, and the rehab center had nowhere to put him on their physical therapy floor--at least, not until the following day.  The nice admin folks kindly offered to give him a temporary room elsewhere--in the wing for mental patients...




YIKES.  Needless to say, Siobhan and I both were a little freaked out-- my father is probably the only person in our family that DOESN'T belong in a mental ward.  But it was the only bed available, and it was only for one night...so we finally gave in.   I mean, how bad could it be?!



 We soon were to find out...

Our little adventure began with the ambulance ride from hell.  The smiling EMTs cheerfully tossed my father into the back of a transport ambulance, slammed the doors shut, and burnt rubber out of the parking lot.  Siobhan and I jumped into her car, and took off after them...Thirty miles of twisting winding roads lay between the hospital and the rehab center, and Siobhan stuck to that ambulance

like the proverbial white-on-rice... 

 

 

Finally we all came to a screeching halt.  The still-smiling EMT hustled Dad out of the ambulance and into a waiting wheelchair.  He turned him over to a grim-looking woman standing by an even grimmer-looking building, and with tires squealing, he left...



 Siobhan and I followed the wheelchair as Nurse Ratchett rolled Dad into the  old building, down corridors and up halls, in and out of elevators until finally...through a double doorway.    The heavy industrial doors locked ominously behind us as we entered the mental patients' wing. (Gulp.)



  We walked past a deserted nurses' station on the left, and a small waiting area on the right, where a young woman sat quietly reading in an easy chair...Dad's room was the next door.  Surprisingly, his room looked normal enough--no padding or anything.  Siobhan and I stayed with Dad until visiting hours ended, then we took our leave to go.  We quietly walked back up the hallway, past the still-deserted nurses' station, past the lady still reading in her chair, and came to a stop in front of the still-locked double doors.  I looked helplessly at Siobhan--not a nurse in sight. 




Suddenly the woman with the book spoke up.  "You don't need a nurse to open that door--just wave your hand in front of it, and it'll open.  Here, like THIS!"  and she waved her hand in a Star Trek kind of motion. 



 I hesitated for a moment as Siobhan chuckled softly by my side... Book Lady spoke louder "Go ahead and wave your hand--like I told you!!"  Siobhan chuckled louder, and with a big sigh, I did my best Star Trek wave--and...Nothing Happened.  Nada. Zilch.  Siobhan collapsed on the floor, helpless with laughter.  Book Lady yelled "Do It Again!!"  I gritted my teeth and waved again...still Nothing.  Siobhan's laughter was fast approaching Hysteria.  Reader Lady screamed "Again!!"   In desperation I waved one last time...




This time something DID happen...An irate little nurse with a Jamaican accent walked briskly up behind me, and with hands on hips, she said "And what are you doing to my door?!  You can't open it like that--you have to have a key!!!"   With what little pride I could muster, I quietly replied "That's not what that lady over there said."  The nurse rolled her eyes and looked at me with scorn.  As she unlocked the doors, she said "She's a patient in a mental institution, and you're going to believe HER?!"  



Siobhan and I both were laughing now, and we couldn't get out of there fast enough.  Just as we got to the elevator, Siobhan jumped in front of me and said "Wait, Mum.  Let me get that for you!"  And of course she had to do the Star Trek wave in front of the elevator door.  And the exit door.  And the car door.  And all the way home.

                                            Beam me up, Scottie...



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Live Long And Prosper.
















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Let Me Tell You About My Honeymoon...

Today is our wedding anniversary, Liam's and mine--and while I have pleasant enough memories of that long-ago day, my favorite memories are from shortly after.  Let Me Tell You About Our Honeymoon...

Liam surprised me with a honeymoon in the mountains of Tennessee.  Five glorious days in a private mountaintop chalet, on the outskirts of Gatlinburg... 




With the wedding behind us, we drove to our destination in high spirits.  The view of the mountains on the drive was breath-taking; the chalet itself was beautiful--built of weathered logs and time-worn stone, and surrounded by a riotous garden of native wild flowers. A small goldfish pond graced the front garden, while a cozy deck with a hot tub completed the back.  Lovely. 

At first glance, the chalet's interior was just as lovely--shabby chic/French country décor, plush carpets of mauve and grey, a huge stone fireplace just begging to be lit, a quaint kitchen with copper pots hanging from an iron pot rack...Wonderful! 



The rest of the chalet was a little less "lovely" and a little more "strange".  The master bedroom was dark, decorated in shades of burgundy, the only furniture in it a waterbed.  Not just any waterbed-- the Original Waterbed (meaning the first one ever made), with NO baffles and not nearly enough water in it.  The 2nd bedroom was microscopic, decorated in faded pink and drab grey; it had an ancient bed, bigger than a "twin", smaller than a "full", with an depressingly saggy mattress.  Oh well.  It was only for a few nights... The only remaining room was the bath, which had a blushing pink toilet hiding shyly in one corner, and a gaudy pink heart-shaped tub sitting in the center of the floor... but NO sink.  And NO shower. And for whatever reason, an industrial-type drain was built into the floor.  Even stranger...



Ever the optimists, Liam and I  stowed away our luggage in the quirky little cottage, and headed into town for groceries and a little sight-seeing.  (Gatlinburg is a resort town with a lot of shops and restaurants, as well as scenic mountain views.)  Gatlinburg has  trolleys for conveniently getting around town, and we had great fun, jumping on and off whenever something caught our eye.  The fun screeched to a halt when the skies opened up and torrents of rain proceeded to drench everything in sight.   Dripping and laughing, Liam and I jumped off at the next trolley stop--and our car was nowhere in sight.  Wrong street.  When we finally found the car, we were soaked to the skin... 



With teeth chattering, we drove back to the chalet-- only to find that the heat system was disconnected.  Geez Louise! While I sloshed around putting up our groceries, Liam opened the damper and proceeded to build a roaring fire in the fireplace. (Thank goodness they had dry firewood!)  Suddenly the air was filled with thick, billowing smoke, filling the rooms from the ceiling to  a foot above the floor.  Coughing, I crawled on hands and knees to the front door, where I found Liam gasping and waiting...




Apparently the lunatic that built the fireplace didn't build the chimney tall enough to draw the smoke out.  Sheesh!  Poor Liam had to grab a pail of water from the goldfish pond, cover his face with his tee shirt, run in and douse the fire.  Then he opened all the doors and windows, and stood shivering outside until the smoke cleared.  Cold, wet, and covered with smoke and ash, we finally went back inside.

 Kindly, Liam suggested I grab a hot shower first, as there was no other way to get warm.  But wait--No Shower.  Settling for a hot bath instead, I grimaced at the lurid pink tub, cut the hot water on, and waited for the tub to fill.  Minutes later, as I was sorting through clean clothing, water suddenly covered my feet.  Yikes!  The tacky tub was leaking all over the floor.  Well, that explains the DRAIN!



I broke the news to Liam, who then suggested maybe we could just wash the worst of the soot and grime off in the hot tub in back.  (The rain had stopped by now.)  So we gathered up towels and  traipsed outside to the hot tub....Guess what?!  The Hot Tub was COLD.  Not just cold-- icy mountain stream cold...Bummer.  Poor Liam blew his top.  "The hot tub is cold, the fireplace won't work, and the tub is 'working' all over the damn floor!  What next?!"



I guess those  two words are never harbingers of anything good.  Cold, exhausted, and still very dirty, we decided just to call it a day...Bedraggled, we headed for what we thought was the lesser of the two evils-- the waterbed. ( Keep in mind that Liam weighed 225, and I weighed 114. And that the low-water bed had no baffles.)  To put it mildly, we tossed and turned a lot.  Liam turned--I tossed.  Every time Liam turned over, a giant tsunami wave of water bore me up and tossed me over the side.  I kept waking up in mid-air, shrieking, and then slamming onto the floor. It was like trying to sleep on a roller coaster that kept derailing...



Finally we gave up and tried the other bed.  Worse disaster.  It seems Ol' Saggy had a giant hole in the center...Every time Liam turned over, I fell in that Mattress Vortex and couldn't get out.  Seriously.  Leaving me with a long-lasting fear of mattress suffocation, or Sealy Suffocation Syndrome...



The next morning, bleary-eyed and yawning, Liam and I stood waiting in line for a helicopter tour of Gatlinburg.  So what if I was afraid of heights?  After the night we had?  Piece Of Cake.